Angel Number 1

June 2003 Mike and I were moving into my dads due to lack of money. I was VERY tired and just had no energy to do much of anything other then sleep. While talking on the phone to Mike he said " I think your pregnant" I told him he was crazy, I had no clue. Since I had to go to the store anyway I decided just on whim to pick up a test even though I was sure I wasn't. I couldn't have been more wrong! I didn't even get done peeing on the stick and it had already showed two lines. I was in shock to say the least. Mike already knew the answer when he got home, my parents reactions were wonderful and supportive, his moms on the other hand left much to be desired. Despite some of the bad reactions we were excited and filled with wonderment.

The weeks went on and I had been to the doctors, I had what looked like a healthy pregnancy according to my doctor, no reason to think otherwise. Mike's birthday is August 15th and we had plans to go to Michigan Adventure( a water park) I went and took it easy that was a Saturday. Sunday the 16th came and everything was fine, Mike and I were on our way to being intimate and I stopped him dead in his tracks, I had one hard, sharp pain shoot through my lower tummy on my left side about where my uterus was. I found it odd and took the rest of the night easy. Monday morning the 17th I got up and called my OB, they got me in by this point I was 13wks or supposed to be anyway. He checked for a heartbeat and nothing so he sent me for an ultrasound 3 hrs after my doc appt. I was told to go drink 32oz of water and come back. I couldn't do it when I drank the water I was in so much pain I would double over and bawl.

They called me back to do the ultrasound 45 min later and yelled at me because I hadn't drank enough water. It was a male student and was quite rude to say the least, He would not zoom in on the baby which bothered me but I had no idea what to expect being my first pregnancy. He left to get his teacher and he asked her "do you want to see the baby?" I yelled YES, he zoomed in and zoomed out in a matter of a few seconds. Printed pictures, sealed them in an envelope and sent me up to my doc.

Called back to see my doc and they sent us right into his office, first sign I thought something might be wrong. He simply came in and explained that there are a million reasons why a pregnancy fails and mine had. The words lingered for what seemed like forever and then I bawled like I had been told I was dying. My doc gave us a few minutes to regain ourselves and then came back to offer some Motrin and to tell us where we could go from that point. He gave us the options of doing it naturally or doing the D&C. I chose the D&C because I couldn't bare the thought of flushing my baby down the toilet. So we were sent into a different office to have that scheduled. Every thing at that point was a bad dream. I walked around like a zombie.

The only thing they had open was at 5 pm the next day. It was horrible, no eating after midnight or drinking I had to starve myself amongst the horrible emotional pain I was going through. My dad and my grandma cried with me, held me and offered everything under the sun to me to help make up for the pain. 5:00 pm was bad but 10 pm was worse, that's when they finally came to get me to do the procedure. When I woke from it I was bawling again, mainly from the pain this time but I know it was uncontrollable. They allowed me to stay the night, but I can't remember much from that night or the next day. I kept myself pretty drugged so that I didn't have to feel the pain of both the physical and emotional burdens that had been laid upon me.

The weeks following were a nightmare to say the least, someone should have committed me but for whatever reason they didn't. Mike and I split due to my behavior and his lack of support. Ya know I can't even really tell you that I ever "got over it" or "stopped grieving". Life moved on and I had to move with it or the next choice was to become a drug addict. No joke I thought about it just to stop the emotional pain. I was VERY angry, and God and I had out our words. I questioned everything in my life even my life itself. The quote "Life isn't fair" was the quote of the year for me. Why were these people who couldn't love a child like I could and these people who didn't deserve a child due to things they did blessed with a precious, beautiful, perfect child? The answer, "Life isn't fair".

I was told to wait three months after the D&C to try again and we did. That had been the hardest 4 months of my life. I could think of nothing else but the pain, what it had done to me, where it had taken me, and how it helped me grow no only as a human or a women, but when the time came as a mother.

We got pregnant with Andre in Nov of 2003, the joy was there but fear that set in was overwhelming. Everything went well with Andre for the most part, but after he was born I went into postpartum depression and looking back now I know a lot of it had to do with the fact that I never fully grieved the baby we lost before him.

Andre was my rainbow after the storm, my saving grace. I'm not sure having him when we did was "right" but had he not come when he did the outlook was not good for me. Having Andre made me realize that God does not punish he blesses. Though the blessings may not be what you want or are blessings in disguise does not mean they are not blessings.



Thank you for taking the time to read this, it helps talking about them as so many people seem to act like they weren't a part of our life. They were and they need to be recognized as a living being that meant the world to us. I will post about my second angel in the days to come but it took me all day to write this. Though its not long its heartbreaking, and the flood of memories are over whelming.